A. It’s mind-boggling, to say the least. “Normal” breakups usually have a “recovery” period regardless of how the split took place. However, narcs are not capable of emotionally and physically loving like we do… so they are able to move right on to the next relationship – with the exact feelings they had for you up until 30 minutes ago – without anything to recover from.
Narcissists lack the ability to emotionally bond. Due to genetics or childhood trauma, their emotional age is stuck at around 5 or 6 where everything and everyone exists solely to serve, support and entertain them. As a result, narcs are unable to see past their own needs. EVER.
I’ve shared my “coffee maker” analogy in many of the support groups, which seemed to help bring some clarity to this anomaly.
Imagine you have a coffee maker. It brews the most delicious cup of coffee and you are able to program it so there’s coffee waiting for you as soon as you wake up in the morning. It does EXACTLY what you want it to do… gosh, you love that thing!
But after a while, your favorite coffee maker starts to act wonky… you occasionally find coffee grinds in the coffee and the timer doesn’t always function properly so the coffee is made too early or too late.
So you go out and buy a brand new coffee maker that does what it’s supposed to do… maybe even a few extra features. Perfect! You throw the old one away and life goes on without further thought or hesitation because you’re getting your morning coffee again.
Aaand… when this new one breaks (or you spot a model with cooler features at a good deal) you’ll replace it with a newer one. As long as you get your coffee, no big deal… nothing personal.
Because all that matters to you is getting a good cup of coffee in the morning… that’s what the always-replaceable-coffee-maker is supposed to do.
That being said… WE are like the coffee maker; to serve a purpose that benefits the narc. Once you replace the broken coffee maker with a new one, do you miss the old coffee maker? Most likely not. Because you have a new one that does what it’s “supposed to do”… your life as a whole doesn’t change.
The painful truth is, there was nothing personal about the “connection” you had with the narc. They were “with” you, but it could’ve been anyone else who was willing to source them the supply they needed… and this next person could’ve been anyone else. And because narcissists lack emotional empathy and the ability to emotionally bond, their feelings are shallow and quickly passing. The length and time-frame of each “relationship” can vary, but the cycle will ALWAYS continue. Like breathing… it’s natural for you to do it until you die. Narcs will repeat the cycle until they die.
The smiles you see… how many times have you stepped out into the world with a smile on your face during the relationship? Think of what was really going on behind closed doors, and in your head. The narc will begin to feel the inevitable emptiness very soon. That outward appearance is strictly to extract supply from those who are watching. The smile on the current victim’s face… contradicts the questions and uncertainties he or she is feeling about the narcissist. They know something feels off, but wants so badly to hang onto the illusion. They want to believe that they were the one who finally made the narcissist happy… they’re fighting to believe everything will be ok.
We know exactly how that feels, don’t we?
Narcissists do not behave like this for the heck of it. They suffer from a very REAL neurological disorder. The emotional part of their brain is BROKEN… and that’s one of the most difficult truths the non-disordered people must accept completely.
Regardless of what they display or announce, genuine happiness and security are painfully ABSENT.