This is what MY devaluation looked like
(documented on my personal blog.)
After the idealization stage, the narcissist begins to notice your “flaws” and begin to look down on you for being unable to live up to his/her unrealistic image of the “relationship.”
For most mentally & emotionally healthy couples, when the "honeymoon stage" in the relationship wears off, things begin to fall into a predictable routine. You continue to love and value your partner after the initial euphoria wears off and couples learn how to work together as true partners...
You No Longer Fit the “Part”...
However, because narcissists simply chase feelings vs develop emotional bonds, they're only interested in the "feel good & superior" parts of the relationship. They can't be there for you through the challenges that come with any normal relationship - unless it benefits them.
When the narcissist realize you are unable to consistently provide them with narcissistic supply to consistently make them feel special, admired, and in control... they no longer see you as having any *value.
* the value of a person is determined by how they can CONSISTENTLY supply the narcissist’s need for validation.
They didn't want YOU... they wanted what they could get FROM you
Narcissists need a constant flow of admiration, adulation, and sense of control... this means you can't question them or argue with them... heck, you can't have your own opinions, thoughts, or feelings because your role is to simply admire, agree, and validate them in every way.
But you're human with your own thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs who can't (and shouldn't) shut off their entire existence so they can live solely to walk on eggshells and inflate someone else's self-worth. As such, the non-stop love bombing, attention, and admiration is replaced with on/off, hot-and-cold behavior. This is usually when the narcissist begins searching for a new source of supply.
The Mask Starts Cracking…
Narcissists lack a stable sense of self.
This is why they wear many different "masks" that are appealing to different people. They create a special mask for each target to make themselves appear impressive and become the ONLY possible option (soulmate) for that particular person.
It's actually pretty crazy to see them morph into someone with completely different interests & values with each new target.
But since the mask is temporary...
it’s only a matter of time until it begins to crack.
I started noticing these little cracks as early as a few months into our relationship. However, because I was so neck-deep dancing around in our "perfect" relationship, I brushed off those little peeks into his TRUE IDENTITY as, “he must be having an off day”… “that really made no sense at all, but no big deal”… besides, those little things were so insignificant compared to how “perfect” he was for me.
What I failed to see was that if I put those “little things” into one pile, it would bury his perfectness.
Devaluation May Include Behaviors Like:
- Gaslighting
- Increasing criticism and insults
- Annoyed by your qualities they previously loved or found endearing
- Refuse to clearly communicate
- Increased violation of boundaries
- Triangulation
- Withholding emotional, and physical affection and intimacy
- Deliberately hurt your feelings, then shame you for reacting
- Invalidate your feelings
- Change in behavior/habits
- Plants seeds of fear that you can be easily replaced
Always Trust Your Gut. ALWAYS.
Insecurities and fear can mislead, but your intuition is never wrong. We are naturally wired to set off internal warning signals and responses to protect ourselves.
When something feels "off" pay attention
Many of us flat out disregard our gut feelings, blaming past painful experiences.
Choose your well-being over hurting someone's feelings
We brush them off thinking we’re being unfair to the person whose actions triggered the alarm… don’t make them feel bad… don’t embarrass them. We second guess ourselves and choose to protect another person’s feelings over our personal well being & safety.
Validation for Survivors.
At some point, you’re going to blame yourself for staying in the relationship. Other people will also question, “if it was so bad, why didn’t you just leave?”
You've been conditioned to ignore your intuition.
Listen… you were tricked into falling in LOVE. Love is the strongest of all human bonds. And because you believed you were in love, you were more easily manipulated by the one you were in love with. This person who made him/herself out to be someone who truly loved you and promised to look out for you… conditioned you to ignore your intuition – your gut feeling.
This is not your fault.
You have been manipulated. It’s covert emotional and mental abuse. It’s pretty serious… and you are not to blame for falling in love and trusting the person who “appeared” to love you just as much.
Bottom line is… don’t beat yourself up too much for getting suckered in. If this “scam” was so easy to spot, there wouldn’t be so many websites, professionals, recovery groups, and resources to help people heal from a narcissistic relationship.
What I Learned From This Stage:
- If you feel that something is off – TRUST YOUR GUT. Insecurities and fear can mislead but your intuition is NEVER wrong.
- My gut repeatedly told me there was something “off” about him from the very beginning… but I never trusted it. This experience taught me that my internal warning system was SPOT-ON during this ENTIRE relationship.
- The narcissist’s mask begins to crack very quickly… you just don’t see it right away because
- you’re focused on the outrageous "fantasy"
- you’re already swimming in illusion that you will (un)consciously make excuses for their questionable behavior because you don't want the fantasy to end.
In case you missed it…
ALWAYS ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.