It’s mind-boggling, to say the least. I was so sure the narc was “with me” 100%, but he clearly wasn’t. Breakups between two healthy people usually have a “recovery” period regardless of how the split took place. However, narcs are not capable of emotionally bonding like we do… so there was nothing for them to recover from.
I’ve shared my “coffee maker” analogy in many of the support groups, which seemed to help bring some clarity to this anomaly.
Imagine you have a coffee maker. It brews the most delicious cup of coffee and you are able to program it so there’s coffee waiting for you as soon as you wake up in the morning. It does EXACTLY what you want it to do… gosh, you love that thing!
But after a while, your favorite coffee maker starts to act wonky… you occasionally find coffee grinds in the coffee and the timer doesn’t always function properly so the coffee is made too early or too late.
So you go out and buy a brand new coffee maker that does what it’s supposed to do… maybe even a few extra features. Perfect! You throw the old one away and life goes on without further thought or hesitation because you’re getting your morning coffee again.
Aaand… when this new one breaks (or you spot a model with cooler features at a good deal) you’ll replace it with a newer one. As long as you get your coffee, no big deal… nothing personal.
Because all that matters to you is getting a good cup of coffee in the morning… that’s what the always replaceable coffee maker is supposed to do.
Narcissists lack the ability to emotionally bond. Their emotional age is stuck at around that of a 5 or 6 year old where everything and everyone exists solely to serve, support and entertain them. As a result, narcs are unable to see past their own needs. EVER.
Once you replace the broken coffee maker with a new one, do you miss the old coffee maker? No. Because you have a new one that does what it’s supposed to do… your life as a whole doesn’t change.
That being said… WE were the coffee maker. Our purpose was to “do what we’re supposed to do” and feed the narc’s ego without resistance.
It’s hard to believe, but there was nothing personal about the “connection” you had with the narc. It really could’ve been anyone who’s willing to source them the supply they need… and this next victim could’ve been anyone too. The length of each relationship, as well as the approach to each phase of abuse (idealize, devalue, discard, hoover) can vary, but the cycle will ALWAYS continue.