I can still recall my confusion and disbelief in the days following the discard. I’d wake up in the morning, check my phone for his “Good morning, my queen!” text that he sent to me every morning for the last two years… find none… and asked myself out loud,
OMG this really happened? He’s really gone… just like that? After all we’ve been through, he’s living his life with someone else like we never even happened?
I cannot even express how excruciating the pain was in my heart, mind, and soul… it hurt so much just to breathe! But despite the fact that everything I knew for the last two years was suddenly completely destroyed, I was still a mommy and a business owner. I had to figure out a way to function the best I could… so I activated a non-traumatizing memory access exercise that I first learned from Tony Robbins…
Get Immediate Relief from the Pain
IMPORTANT NOTE: This is simply an exercise to give you some relief from the immediate mental and emotional pain you’re feeling so you have space to breathe and think. REAL healing happens when you heal your inner traumas.
When we play back a painful experience in our minds, we do it from a first-person perspective where the event plays back just as it originally happened. Naturally, doing so causes at least the same amount of pain as when the event first happened.
This exercise leaves those memories virtually powerless over us.
Step 1: Picture that painful experience played out in black and white on a movie screen, as you watch from the projection room. (Creating the distance allows you to detach from the experience and removing the color lessens the impact of the memory.)
Do this several times until you get the black and white movie playing smoothly.
Step 2: Imagine a “safe ending” you want to feel after that traumatizing experience.
For example, one of the painful memories that constantly haunted me after the discard was discovering the narc had been cheating on me, and immediately being discarded when I confronted him. The safe ending I envisioned was me and my son enjoying our trip to Japan after his graduation in 2019… without pain or triggers… totally and completely happy, confident and secure.
Play back this safe ending scene until you can run it smoothly in your mind.
Step 3: Quickly play back the entire movie in full color, in reverse, with your safe ending scene attached before the traumatic experience.
In my case, I watched my movie in color, on the screen, backwards, in super speed… so the reversed movie begins with me and my son totally having fun eating and exploring in Japan… ending with the moment I discovered the narc’s infidelity.
Do this several times until you get the reversed movie playing smoothly.
Repeat steps 1 & 3 whenever you are triggered with pain from that experience. It might take some practice at first… but once you get it down, you’ll see that this technique works EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Side Note: I’ve been asked many times… “Aren’t you triggered when you share your experience?” The answer is a solid, “No.” On top of that, I no longer suffer from trauma bonding or cognitive dissonance. It may seem impossible at the moment, but I can most definitely help you get to this point too… until then, use this exercise to remove the pain.
If you haven’t yet, please take a minute to download your 2 guides: “Choose Yourself” and “No Contact – No Excuses” and I encourage you to grab your free access to my group coaching session: Heal and Move Beyond Narcissistic Abuse.
I know your emotions and thoughts are either absolutely chaotic, gone totally numb… or violently switches from one to the other like mine was. But hang tight because it will get better – I promise.
I’ll see you tomorrow
Advocate for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse
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- Downloads: First Steps to Recovery Guide | No Contact. No Excuses Guide
- Group Coaching Session: Get Your Free Access
In this Free 14-Day Recovery Plan so far…
- #00: Your First Steps to Break Free from Narcissistic Abuse
- #01: You Are NOT Crazy. This Really Happened