Recovery Day 7: What Makes You a Narc Magnet?

Victims of narcissistic abuse often find themselves in one narcissistic relationship after another… which is why it’s common to see posts like, “This is the second narc I was discarded by”… “Why do I keep attracting narcissists?”… “Do I have a sign on my head that says ‘doormat’?”… “How did I get to be a narc magnet?” all over online recovery groups… and I often hear this from survivors I personally work with as well.

When I was still researching the narcissistic cycle of abuse, I too believed I was a “narc magnet.” How is it that people around me are able to find healthy, stable relationships, while I kept finding myself in one horrible relationship after another… and this wasn’t exclusive to romantic relationships but also many of the individuals I chose to become friends with.

Shoot, do I have a sign on my head inviting toxic people to kick me around??

While it’s true that narcissists are drawn to empaths because of our nurturing, accepting, forgiving, and patient nature… and because they look for people like us who won’t easily “give up” on someone without giving them a million chances to right a wrong…

It’s not so much that we attract more narcs than anyone else. See, the narcissist approaching us is NOT the problem. The problem is that WE KEEP THEM AROUND despite the red flags, mind games, questionable behavior, & crappy treatment.

People with a strong sense of self-love, self-respect, and powerful boundaries will have no trouble walking out the door as soon as they realize this person thinks nothing of disrespecting them and stepping over their boundaries… They don’t second-guess themselves or make excuses and allow people to negatively affect their well-being like we often do.

Can you relate?

  • Your relationship starts off perfect, but after some time, you notice the other person’s behavior no longer match that of the person s/he was at the beginning and you’re always left feeling anxious and insecure. Regardless, you stick around looking for little signs that things might go back to the way they were.
  • You constantly make excuses for the other person’s bad behavior. They’re having a bad day… they had a bad childhood… they just need someone to be patient… etc.
  • You rarely (pretty much never) end a relationship when the other person proves themselves to be selfish and disrespectful. Instead, you keep giving them chances to change for the better.
  • You think you’re properly guarding your heart but have not set clear boundaries and standards that you enforce about the behaviors you will or will not tolerate.

If these things resonate with you, there are two things you must do…

Take time to identify any childhood traumas buried in your subconscious.

A relationship with the narc takes old injuries that were pushed to the very back of your mind, right up to the surface. How? By the narc’s promises of unconditional love, acceptance, and security during idealization. You may have learned to cope to be without these things… perhaps even believe that you don’t deserve them. So when you received them in the intensity they were presented to you during the idealization stage, it reminded you of how much you’ve wanted them and your abuser became the “source” of relief to these injuries.

These are the “broken” parts that urgently needs your attention… because if you don’t heal them, you will always have that subconscious longing and remain susceptible to being taken advantage of by toxic people.

Review your boundaries and enforce them.

Boundaries are the mental, emotional, and physical rules and limits we establish to protect ourselves. These are things we instinctively say, “No” to as they defend us from being violated by others. Those who have set and enforce strong boundaries are able to effectively filter out unhealthy people who might otherwise compromise their mental and emotional well being.

However, without clear boundaries, you will very likely allow toxic people to remain in your space longer than they need to be there.

When there is no more trauma to trigger and you have strong boundaries that you enforce, even a swarm of narcissists won’t be a match for you!

So NO, you are NOT a “narc magnet”… I thought I was one for the longest time until I found the root of the problem and discovered how to efficiently correct it. And with ?proper self-work, you can become narc proof too. I’ll help you get there.

I’ll see you tomorrow


Life Strategist
Advocate for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse
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