This is what MY discard looked like: documented on my personal blog.
In a healthy relationship, disagreements and conflict are worked through together with patience and consideration for the other person. However, in a relationship with a narcissist, the abuser rejects their partner because they are no longer able to easily extract narcissistic supply to fuel their self-image.
Since narcissists are not motivated by love and security of an emotionally bonded relationship, they will discard the partner and move onto another source of supply (usually locked-in during the devaluation phase) and restart the cycle of abuse.
Remember: individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are unable to emotionally bond. Their ONLY MOTIVE in any relationship is to extract narcissistic supply to fuel their self-image and gauge their self-esteem.
Whatever they’ve done for you that you’ve “fallen in love with” was not because they loved or cared about you… it was to receive praise and admiration to feed their egos. This entire “relationship” had NOTHING at all to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with how special and superior they felt about themselves.
The discard may include these types of behaviors:
- Wandering eye
- Feelings of contempt and rage
- Decreased jealousy
- Invalidating their partner’s emotions
- Rewriting the history of the relationship
- Ending the relationship
Some reasons why you were discarded:
- You’ve become too difficult for them to control
- You started asking questions about their inconsistent behavior and words instead of remaining silent
- You started standing up for yourself and demanding respect
- They’ve worn you down so much that you were no longer a reliable source of supply
- You no longer fueled their ego, so they’ve moved on to someone who can provide fresh supply
- They found a more convenient source of supply who can provide just as much ego-boosting
- You’ve witnessed so many of their lies and failures that just being around you is a reminder of what they REALLY are.
The discard in itself is traumatic because regardless of how horrible the narcissist has treated you all this time, you’ve lost the person you depended on to validate and define your worth.
Whether the relationship lasted a week, a few months or 25+ years… you are now worthless in the narcissist’s eyes… so irrelevant that they’ve already moved onto their new source of supply, parading them through the idealization stage.
The fact that they can have something so seemingly deep, meaningful, and serious with you… then INSTANTLY have those same things with someone else, is only possible because of their inability to emotionally bond with another human being.
You weren’t really a part of the “relationship” at all…
It was never about – “I’m going to have a great life because I’ve found the most wonderful person I can grow and share my life with!” … no, it was – “I’m going to have a great life because I found a person who fits the image I want for myself, and having them will make me appear successful and everyone will envy me!”
The narcissist’s fantasy is focused on all the supply they imagine you will provide them with… the approval and admiration they’ll gain from being in a relationship with you… all the good and the bad reactions they’ll draw from you and those around you… as well as any financial and material gains they anticipate from being with you… all to validate the abuser’s self worth.
It had nothing to do with YOU being YOU. Narcissists are only capable of identifying what they can get out of you in order to increase their status. And once they decided they have no more use for you, they discarded and replaced you as easily as you would a paper plate.
So as much as you may wonder what you could’ve done differently to have saved this “relationship”… none of it was your fault. How could it be? You weren’t even really a part of it.
Validation for survivors
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
You have been MANIPULATED… and you are NOT to blame for falling in love with and trusting the person who “proved” to love you just as much.
How could you have known that you ONLY existed in their life to fill a need? Loving, caring, WHOLE human beings don’t function like that! You were responding exactly how a person with real feelings… who loves and cares… is supposed to.
Unfortunately, we weren’t dealing with WHOLE human beings with REAL emotions. And as such, we played a role… we had a purpose. Like an appliance. When we no longer fit that role to which we were assigned, we were discarded.
Love doesn’t enter the narcissist’s decision making process. They are neurologically unable to connect… no emotional bond… no love.
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.