My kryptonite? Relationships with emotionally unavailable men.
Thinking back, they all fit a very specific mold.
The tall, strong and handsome man… so very talented and well-spoken. Everything about him was perfection — except that he talked so much about himself and his life, it seemed he never found time to ask about me.
Not to mention all the broken promises, future faking, the constant hot & cold, and insensitive comments. When I would speak up to let him know his words and behaviors strained my heart, he would:
- Justify his actions and/or
- Shut me out.
No apologies. No expression of kindness. Nothing to demonstrate that my feelings matter. I was always left feeling invisible.
This usually happens because of one of three reasons:
- You’re not ready for a healthy, committed relationship.
- You have an anxious/preoccupied attachment style and someone with a secure attachment style seems boring because they don’t set off your emotional alarms.
- You’ve been emotionally neglected as a child so you find people who treat you exactly how your emotionally absent parent(s) treated you… because if this person commits, you’ll have proof that you’re worthy after all.
I get it. I’m the last to judge because I can empathize with ALL.
I tolerated like my heart depended on it.
Hoping he’ll eventually realize his wrongs after seeing just how he’s been hurting me.
He’ll suddenly wake up and burst out of his bubble of douchebaggery… and finally take my thoughts and feelings into consideration — because I’m precious to him and he can’t stand the thought of hurting me any further.
At least that’s how it looks like in Carmen’s fantasy world. Unfortunately, that scene doesn’t exist in reality.
Reality check.
You see, emotionally unavailable men and women are unable to see what’s happening to the people right in front of them. They don’t invest their heart into others because their focus is only on what serves them at that moment.
Calming your heart because they care about you? Nope. It’s not part of their story.
To be honest, you’re not even a part of their story at all. They’re a one-man (or woman) show. At most, you’re a prop they can use or put away — depending on their mood and needs.
So all that hurt I’m collecting to show him how badly he’s been breaking me? Yeah… he won’t see sh*t. Why would he? He doesn’t care.
All I’m doing is destroying myself.
He’s not interested in taking accountability for his actions… it’s certainly not his problem that he’s constantly causing me pain. I’m just a measly prop.
After the last insensitive exchange, I had no more fight left in me. No standing up for myself like I used to. No asking him to help me resolve this.
I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.
But dammit, I’m not a quitter… so, I waited for an apology. I was hoping to get one so very badly. I wanted him to tell me that my heart is worth changing for. I needed him to confirm that the pain I’ve been tolerating was not in vain.
I’m very sorry for hurting you. That wasn’t my intention. Your enormous love for me scared me, but not anymore. I won’t hurt you like that again.
Obviously, that never came.
As much as I wanted to continue holding onto hope, I was so depleted, I had no choice but to let go.
Unless you’re into connections like these… wait, I need to stop. Who the hell wants something so meaningless, lonely, and painful?
The truth is, most of us long for genuine connections. But we’re just too afraid of getting hurt… or don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, so we go with what we’re familiar with. Dysfunction.
Begin healing your heart.
If you find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable friends and relationships, ask yourself:
- What are you avoiding?
- Why are you afraid of commitment?
- What frightens you about genuine connections?
- What do you want them to prove to you about yourself?
Be completely honest. Once you get your answers, it’s so important to begin healing those broken spots. Because keeping those wounds open will leave you susceptible to more of this hurt and unhappiness.
In the words of Maya Angelou…
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
At which point you have two options to choose from:
- Believe them and accept them AS IS…
- Or believe them and take a hard pass to make room for something real.
If you choose to accept this energy and behavior because you hope they’ll prove you’re worth changing for, step back and look inwards to find out why you would subjugate yourself to such pain, loneliness, and instability.
I hope you vote for something real… because the support and embrace from the real deal would look so good on you!